Whew — after an unquestionably robot-related catastrophic failure yesterday, Geekologie is back and ready to dance . Here, I’ll lead. And by lead I mean stand on your shoes while you shuffle me around the dance floor like a little girl. Okay, now make me fly like Baby at the end of ‘Dirty Dancing’. Whoa — whoa — wheeeeeeeeeee!! *CRASH* Wow, that was definitely NOT the time of my life. These are pens explaining sex. Blogging magic — I’ve still got it. Hit the jump for more, better ones (damn yeah I’m going for that extra click. DO IT!).

We snapped Paris Hilton leaving the dentist's office in Beverly Hills this afternoon, and while she didn't have to get any fillings, she tweeted some bad news: she has to get her wisdom teeth taken out sometime in the…

Let’s face it, at one time or another we’ve all wanted to get stabby on a coworker. Sometimes the feeling is fleeting, but usually it’s something we think about doing constantly and doodle pictures of. Enter the $20 Campco TacPen (the Tac stands for tactical, not taco , which — I know — is an even better idea). The TacPen sports a rugged, weighty body made of high-​​grade aircraft alluminum and comes with two different crown attachments designed not only to throw some hurt on an attacker, but also to lock him (or her) behind bars when the doing’s done. The most unique feature of the pen is that it employs the UZI DNA Catcher on the crown of the pen. The sharpened crown on the end can be used to jab or poke an attacker, which will not only cause extreme pain, but it will also collect the aggressors’ DNA which can be used for future identification. Ahhh, of course — DNA identification. Call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to biting an attacker to collect DNA? Or tearing a limb off. Just sayin’, one armed men are easy to identify. Back me up, Dr. Richard Kimble. Gimme Some Skin! [defensetech] Thanks to Nils, who once stabbed a coworker for eating the rest of his Subway sub from the community fridge. That shit was warranted.

Sweeping a solid 27 of the 299 total write-in votes for New York City mayor, Charles Montgomery Burns certainly gave incumbent billionaire Michael Bloomburg a run for his money . Smithers — a body massage . Burns wasn’t the only fictional character to get votes in the race. Mad Magazine icon Alfred E. Newman, Fantastic Four arch-villain Victor Von Doom, Mickey Mouse, and Sleeping Beauty also received write-in votes. Many New York City and state political figures also got votes, including former New York City mayors Ed Koch, Rudy Giuliani, and David Dinkins. Others include Bill and Hillary Clinton, former New York governor George Pataki, Rep. Anthony Weiner, and the candidates from this year’s congressional race in New York’s 23rd district Dede Scozzafava and Doug Hoffman. Three historical figures also got votes: former presidents Abraham Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt, and Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler. Other noteworthy figures getting a nod were New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, radio shock jock Howard Stern, deceased comedian Rodney Dangerfield, and Robert Burke, better known to many New Yorkers as “the Naked Cowboy.” Wait a minute — I didn’t get a single write-in? WTF New Yorkers? I lay in bed and toil over the internet all day for you and this is how you repay me? I ACTUALLY KNOW SOME OF YOU TOO! This hurts, this really hurts . Simpsons billionaire gets most write-in votes in NYC mayor race [cnn] Thanks to wes, Geekologie Writer 2012 campaign manager. I better win, wes.

I think I speak for all of us when I say some of my most brilliant ideas have come to me in the middle of the night when I’ve woken up on the can after passing out from puking so hard I popped blood vessels in my eyes . And what better place to scrawl all that genius down than a $8 hand-bound journal made out of a cardboard beer case ? I can’t think of anywhere. Funny story: one time I turned the lights off in the bathroom and spun around in a circle three times yelling, “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary!” Then I flicked the lights on and stared in the mirror. You know what I saw?! “Buy more TP ” written in acne cream. And then, underneath that, “BTW, this isn’t acne cream ;)”. THEN WHAT WAS IT?! Freaky, I know. Product Site via Beer Book Houses Your Slurred, Rambling Thoughts [nerdapproved] Thanks to Closet Nerd, who scribbles his brilliance on the back wall of his bedroom closet. In crayon.

Well, that's what she tweeted last night, and since it's on her Twitter page, it MUST be true! Linds wrote: "i wrote/created a show that i just need to get someone else to take on the full season writing…

Well, that's what she tweeted last night, and since it's on her Twitter page, it MUST be true! Linds wrote: "i wrote/created a show that i just need to get someone else to take on the full season writing…

Some poor bastard, fed up with his car being broken into , decided to leave this passive aggressive note for the thieves. And not only does he reference Half-Life , THE DUDE KEEPS AN OCARINA IN HIS CAR. ZOMG, do you think he’s Link?! Yeah, me neither. Also, to guy’s credit, I added the asterisk to his signature. DUDE MEANS BUSINESS. Picture Thanks to gabby, who would have booby trapped the car with Goron bombs.

That’s right folks, you wanna win your very own set of Buckyball rare earth magnets ? Well you’re in luck, cause I’ve got 5 free sets to give away! Each set contains 216 powerful rare earth magnets that can be shaped, molded, torn apart and snapped together in UNLIMITED WAYS. Make sculptures, puzzles, patterns, shapes, stick stuff to the fridge, invent a new game–trying to find something more useful is useless. The magnets regularly sell for $30 plus $6 shipping (but two get free shipping), but the first 40 people to order and use promo code “geek” will get 20% off. As for winning a free set, I’m holding a haiku contest. If you don’t know what a haiku is go HERE (no seasonal reference necessary). To read Anticlown’s contest policy go HERE . Then, enter your best Geekologie themed haiku in the comments. I will be choosing one grand prize winner to win two (2) sets, and 3 runners up to each receive one (1) set. I will be judging based entirely on my own sense of theology and geometry. ONE POEM PER EMAIL ADDRESS. I WILL CHECK TO SEE IF YOU’VE ENTERED MORE THAN ONCE IF YOU WIN. So go open a million different Gmail accounts. Contest ends 5 PM Eastern, Sunday, September 6th and winners will be announced that night. I have provided the haiku below to get you all started. Internet Awesome The Geekologie Writer Never Touched A Girl There you have it, now GO GO GO! UPDATE : CHECK YOUR POEMS, 5-7-5 SYLLABLES FOLKS, NOT WORDS. Not following proper format will result in disqualification and me whipping your ass. Buckyballs Product Page

Yelling, as you may well know, is a great way to get your point across. And capitalization is yelling’s written equivalent. Don’t believe me? LET’S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE! An accountant in NZ has been awarded $17,000 NZD for unfair dismissal after her boss fired her without warning for using uppercase letters in a single email to co-workers. The email, which advises her team how to fill out staff claim forms, specifies a time and date highlighted in bold red, and a sentence written in capitals and highlighted in bold blue. It reads: ‘To ensure your staff claim is processed and paid, please do follow the below checklist.’ Her boss deemed the capital letters too confrontational for her co-workers to read after they woke up from naptime. I love capital letters. I don’t want to marry them or anything, but I would go out on a couple dates and maybe slip a big W the tongue. Don’t judge me — I’LL TELL EVERYONE YOU BANG NUMBERS AND SYMBOLS! Woman Fired For Using Uppercase In Email [slashdot] Thanks to Jen, who once popped a caps lock in some bitch’s ass for frontin’.