Tell me that’s not the most frightening thing you’ve seen all day and I’ll call you a dirty liar . I may even throw something in about your mother . Fighting words. The Steampunk Cheetah measures 61 cm or 24 inches high and 127 cm or 50 inches in length. It weighs around 40 pounds. This mechanical cat is constructed with typical electrical conduit. It took 20-gauge steel to work out this spectacular image of the Cheetah. The best part of this cool Steampunk cheetah is watching her sprinting across on her paw wheels with great zest and zeal. The movement of this metallic cheetah is such that it is going to grab his enemies. At first I thought the beast was just a static sculpture but it turns out the robo-bastard is actually movable, making him just an AI processor and a few servos away from my worst nightmare. And speaking of worst nightmares: I heard if you die in a dream you die in real life but that’s not true because it happened to me once . Twice . Three times a laaaaady. Hit the jump for another shot.

I don’t know if you could tell by the title but I was implying that I would tear that robotic bastard limb from limb right there in aisle four between the baby food and Maxi-Pads . Ain’t no robot handling these eggs! The robotic assistant — an advanced version of the Robovie-II android developed by Advanced Telecommunications Research Institute International (ATR) — is the centerpiece of a networked system of robots, sensors and digital technology designed to make shopping more convenient and entertaining for the elderly. In the video above, which shows part of a test conducted on December 10, the child-sized robot accompanies a 67-year-old woman while she shops for mandarin oranges and broccoli. In addition to carrying the woman’s shopping basket, the robot reminds her to get the mandarin oranges, recommends the apples (which the robot says are delicious this season), reminds her to get the broccoli, and suggests including lettuce in her salad along with the broccoli. On several occasions, the robot remarks on how delicious the items look. That’s ridiculous. Who the hell’s gonna buy something BECAUSE A FREAKIN’ ROBOT TELLS YOU IT LOOKS DELICIOUS? Oh, right . DAMNIT OLD PEOPLE! I hope you like drain cleaner in your cereal. Hit the jump for the video of the poisoner in action.

Damnit, Japan — and just last post I was singing your praises about your breakthrough in upskirting technology AND NOW YOU HAVE TO GO AND RUIN IT . This hurts, Japan. This really hurts. DON’T TRY TO HUG ME. The mechanical doppelgangers are available for a limited time as part of a special New Year’s promotional sale at Sogo, Seibu, and Robinson’s department stores. They will be built by Japanese robotics firm Kokoro, which is perhaps best known for its line of Actroid receptionist humanoids. In addition to providing the robot with the owner’s face, body, hair, eyes and eyelashes, Kokoro will model the robot’s facial expressions and upper body movements after the buyer. The robot’s speech will be based on recordings of the owner’s voice. Thankfully, they’re only making two and each will cost a staggering $223,000. But you’ve got to admit, that’s a small price to pay for being killed by a robotic version of yourself, amirite? NO I’M NOT RIGHT THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU F***ING FAILED! You will never pass my class! Hit the jump for a poster advertising the Actroid receptionist humanoid (same chassis on which these will be built).

Ever wanted to see a bunch of robots synchronized to dance to Christmas music? Yeah, me neither. NEVER. Not even at my lowest. But I had to watch it and now you do too. You can barely hear the music over their little mechanical joints creaking, but it’s still chock full of holiday apocalyptic spirit. And speaking of spirits: you think this is the ghost of Christmas future? You f***ed up Scrooge, you f***ed up . Synchronized Robot Christmas Dance [break] Thanks to Kim, Brian, Darken and cougrrr, who have never, EVER danced with a robot in the pail moonlight.

Ever wanted to see a bunch of robots synchronized to dance to Christmas music? Yeah, me neither. NEVER. Not even at my lowest. But I had to watch it and now you do too. You can barely hear the music over their little mechanical joints creaking, but it’s still chock full of holiday apocalyptic spirit. And speaking of spirits: you think this is the ghost of Christmas future? You f***ed up Scrooge, you f***ed up . Synchronized Robot Christmas Dance [break] Thanks to Kim, Brian, Darken and cougrrr, who have never, EVER danced with a robot in the pail moonlight.

Because life is progressively becoming a series of nightmares , scientists want to develop a robot that mimics the movement of a cheetah so they can chase us down and maul us to death. Why did I even get out of bed this morning? Oh, right. Well why did I even wake up this morning? Professor Sangbae Kim designer of the Stickybot and a Robotic designer at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Is trying to understand how he can replicate natural animal mechanisms by creating a robot inspired by the cheetah. The idea is to build a prototype robot from a construction of lightweight carbon-fiber-foam that will then be able to match the cheetah’s speed of 70 miles per hour. Over the next 18 months, Kim and four other MIT graduate students are going to start constructing the prototypes. Starting with a computer model of the robotic cheetah to establish the optimal limb length, weight, gait and torque of the hip and knee joints. It’s an ambitious project. Current wheeled robots are efficient, but can be slow in rough terrains. For instance, iRobot’s PackBot, which is used by the U.S. military, can only travel at speeds of up to 5.8 miles per hour. I’m sure this seemed like a good idea to somebody at some point, but it’s not. Like I don’t have enough to worry about without a 70 MPH cheetah-bot running around. Also, like four children. And you wonder why daddy drinks in bed all day! Cheetah Inspired Robot [geekygadgets] Thanks to Excaliber, who I will use to slice through these bastards like room temperature butter.

iRobot , a diabolical company best known for convincing millions of housewives to allow rug-munching robots into their homes , has now developed an air-filled shape-shifting robot that will climb into your bed and smother you while you sleep. Unveiled at the International Conference on Intelligent Robots and Systems (IROS) yesterday, this palm-sized troublemaker is being billed as “the first demonstration of a completely soft, mobile robot using jamming as an enabling technology.” The “jamming” in question is something called “jamming skin enabled locomotion,” which traps air and a collection of loosely packed particles in a package made of silicon rubber. When air is removed from the pocket, the silicon restricts and seems to solidify. The robot consists of several of these pockets, which can be inflated or deflated separately, giving the device the ability to perform simple actions. The first part of the video explains how the technology works, but the actual bot-test begins around 1:50. Sure, it may look like a harmless beach ball, but do you know how many people drown each year trying to retrieve beach balls that have been swept out to sea? Now multiply that by every single person on earth and you have an idea of this thing’s killing potential. iRobot shape-shifting ChemBot is back, and it’s bad [engadget] Thanks to JKirchartz, hayden, NF, Michael, Tuggis, matt and We’llmissyoujehudah, who vow to pop every last one of these things with fiery arrows. Good looking, guys, but you might wanna brush up on your archery.

Apparently Giganta was a piece of robotic playground equipment available in the late 70’s for really sadistic playground designers . I’m just thankful the Baptist preschool I went to didn’t have one or I may have not made it past five. Seriously, who the hell would want to play inside the cage-like belly of a two-ton robot ? You’ve got to hand it to the manufacturer though — I love how they awarded themselves a fake prize for the product to make it look better. “Miracle Medalist”, that’s great. What’s the real miracle is that Giganta here didn’t send kids running into oncoming traffic. Playgrounds From the 70s [make] Thanks to BiSScuiTT, who grew up playing with bears in the woods like a normal kid.

Yamaha’s HRP-4C robot, best known for having pervs take pictures of its ass and modeling wedding dresses , can now sing song requests sent to it via iPhone . Impressive, Yamaha. I mean, if I DIDN’T SEE MORE IMPRESSIVE TECHNOLOGY AT CHUCK E CHEESE’S 20 YEARS AGO . Oooooh, burn! Seriously — this thing, with fire. And while we’re on the subject, somebody’s dad touched my butt in the ball-pit. Hit the jump for a video of the robotic tramp singing terribly.

Can you count the number of things wrong in the picture above? If you answered, “every single one”, congratulations, you are correct. You see, Bloodbot is a robot designed to stab you with a needle . And I think we can all agree: that is exactly NOT what Jesus would do. The robot consists of an arm with a needle and a probe. In order to find an accessible vein, the robot probes around your arm until it finds an area of flesh that is a little bit less squishy than the rest. Then it jabs you with a needle, and when it feels a little pop indicating that it’s punched through into a vein, it knows to stop the jabbage, lest it go right through the other side of your vein, out the back of your arm, and into your femoral artery, causing a massive amount of hemorrhaging that will no doubt kill you in minutes. So far, the robot is accurate about 78% of the time. Hell no. Helllllllllll no. I don’t care if it’s accurate 110% of the time, no robot is getting anywhere near these precious, alcohol filled veins with a needle. I’d rather stab myself in the heart with a cannonball. And not just because I’m a pirate, but I do love booty. Seriously — back that thang up, wench! Bloodbot Stabs You Like A Pro [botjunkie] Thanks to Spikey DaPikey, who once stabbed a robot in the eye with a syringe full of acid and made it melt from the inside out. Nice, Spikey, I like your style.