Looking for a ridiculously expensive lamp you’re supposed to bang a bunch of holes in with a pick-hammer? Well you’re in luck, because I just paper-mâché’d every lamp in my parent’s house AND I AM OPEN FOR BUSINESS! That’s exactly the value proposition you’ll get if you pick up artist Jordi Canudas’ Less Lamp. You see, this pendant lighting fixture looks like a solid black hanging egg when you first receive it, letting exactly none of the light out into your room. But thanks to the included pick, you can chip your way through the delicate exterior eggshell and let the light shine out to your own liking. Wow, reminds me of this chair . I think the two of them could really tie a room together. And speaking of which, mind if I do a J? Pfft — I don’t need your permission! But I do need your lighter. Give it to me. Hit the jump for a pic of what happens when you bang it a little too much.

The Micro S’mores machine is a piece of shit designed for cooking s’mores in the microwave . The secret is its “Core Fusion Technology” which is a jargonical (word wizardry!) way of saying it has a plunger that pushes the marshmallow down as it gets gooey. You get two of them for $20, plus shipping and handling. Now, as a guy who’s been making s’mores in the microwave since middle school, I’ll admit a little downward pressure while the s’mores cook is key to a good turnout. So here’s what you do: break off the safety latch that prevents you from cooking with the microwave door open . You’ll be able to stir things too! Hit the jump for a ridiculous commercial.

To celebrate how much New Moon sucked the proverbial shimmering wang , here’s a trailer for Three Wolf Moon , which, at least based on this video, might actually be worth watching . That said, I did go see New Moon this weekend BUT ONLY TO MAKE A BOOTLEG. Line starts by the garage door, ladies. Twilight: Three Wolf Moon [collegehumor] Thanks to everyone who sent this in whose emails are all over the place and I would never be able to name all of: I owe you my life a pint of blood one.

Italian leather is okay, but you haven’t experienced luxury until you’ve peeled yourself from whale penis leather on a hot day. And now you can thanks to the $1.6 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armored car! Also, penis leather is fundamentally wrong. The leather is not the only tacky accessory on the Prombron, which Dartz claims is the world’s most expensive SUV. The bulletproof windows are gold-plated, the exhaust is made of tungsten, the gauges are encrusted with diamonds and rubies and the exterior has a Kevlar coating. The car also comes with three bottles of the world’s most expensive Vodka, RussoBaltique, although the website does warn prospective buyers not to drink and drive. Dartz’s armoured vehicles weigh roughly 4 tonnes, are powered by V8s putting out between 300kW and 400kW and are “rocket grenade-proof” according to the website. For those wondering just how may whales may need to be harvested to outfit the special edition, the answer is not many. The penis of the Blue Whale, for example, can grow up to 2.4 metres. Yeah, no. If I catch anybody with one of these you can rest assured I’m stealing your windows, exhaust, instrument panel and vodka. AND I MAY RUB MY FACE ALL OVER YOUR SEATS. The 4WD with seats made of whale penis [sydneymorningherald] Thanks to Russell and Dan the man, who both drive unicorn penises.

These are three examples of custom cupcake cars that Neimen Marcus is selling for Christmas this year. Each cake will set you back $25K, but makes the perfect gift for the Lollypop Guild member on your list who has everything. Plus, they come with matching hats ! Put on your matching hat, slip under the muffin top of your Cupcake Car, and let the world figure itself out for awhile. Get (or give) the sheer, joyful chaos of a gift that is mind-blowing, triple-dog-dare, double-infinity forever cool. Make the kids or grandkids literally squeal with joy. Bring it to work and buzz the breakroom. Crash parades! Putter about the ‘hood. Ever had a crowd of kids chasing after you just for the crazy gleeful heck of it? (No worries, the top speed is a comfy-safe 7 mph.) What’s it made of? A 24-volt electric motor, a heavy-duty battery, sheet metal, wire, fabric, wood…and mad genius. Launched at Burning Man as a cooperative art car project, the Cupcake Car sprang from the fevered mind of Bay Area artist Lisa Pongrace and her less-rules-more-laughs posse of artists and techno geeks. Yours will be tricked out with your favorite topping, so start thinking flavors. Yeah, if I ever see a cupcake driving down the sidewalk I’m swearing off drugs forever. Except alcohol. Which, fun fact: I’m petitioning to be included in the food pyramid. STOP FIGHTING IT, FDA! $25,000 ‘Cupcake Car’ comes with a matching hat [dvice]

This conceptual Alessi laser watch by designer Andy Kurovets projects the time onto your wrist with lasers . Pfft, what’s the matter with Indiglo technology? That shit’s hot! But if you do opt for lasers , just make sure you buy the right powered battery or that bitch might burn right through your arm! Kidding, future laser technology will be kinetically powered by the motion of your arm. So no masturbating. Kidding — I say go for it! Concept Watch Actually Projects the Time Onto Your Wrist…With Lasers [gizmodo] Thanks to charlie and Aisha, who don’t need watches to tell what time it is cause they have magnets in their brains like birds or whatever. Yes I paid attention in school!

The world’s most expensive booze is (and I did absolutely no fact checking about this) is a bottle of Chambord valued at $3.24 million. That’s too much . Donald Edge has created with French company Chambord a £2 million bottle of their liqueur to celebrate the new stage version of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. The iconic Chambord Royal orb bottle, hand-wrought from 18 carat yellow gold, will be encrusted with the finest round pearls, over 1,100 exquisitely cut round and pear shaped diamonds, and a square cut emerald diamond. So, how much if I just want the booze (I’ve got plenty of empty two-liters!)? Cause, at least according to the Virginia ABC website , they’re selling 750ml bottles for $35.50. That means I can get 91,267 bottles for the exact same price! And you know what? That’s exactly what I’m gonna do. Glug till I die, bitches! Chambord Bottle Worth $2 Million [luxuo] Thanks to Fran, who drinks unicorn blood out of a jewel-encrusted goblet because he doesn’t know they’re an endangered species.

Nobody should own a $135,000 Goldmund Eidos Reference Blue Blu-ray player. That’s the bottom line . I mean, there are children in Africa who don’t even have Laserdisc players. So how someone could knowingly spend six figures on a Blu-ray player makes me sick. BLAAAAAAH! There, I hope you’re happy now. This 66-pound behemoth has such beautiful design, we’re thinking it would be right at home in an art gallery. But does it make the Blu-ray movies look any better? Only those with golden eyes and ears will know for sure. Those precision spring-loaded legs, a completely isolated power supply and fancy Goldmund Magnetic Damping drives the price up into the stratosphere, along with that ritzy Goldmund name. I’ve never heard of the Goldmund name, so that doesn’t mean anything to me. I guess I’m not an audiophile. Although, admittedly, I did experiment with a girl’s ear once in college, but it just wasn’t my thing (she got an inner-ear infection and dumped me). Hit the jump for one more shot of the ridiculousness.

Who the hell still rocks those oldschool CRT monitors ? You do? Oh, sorry. Truthfully, I still rock a 21-incher myself. HIYO! Anyway, this is a $230 computer mailbox fabricated out of wood and a traditional mailbox so that some punkass teenagers can come bat the shit out of it. I don’t recommend them. But I do recommend you paying me $100 to make you a modern flatscreen monitor mailbox . Sure it’ll just be an unpainted piece of particleboard with a whole cut in the middle, but what did you expect? Watch your bills just blow away! But not into my yard, I’ll call the cops. Computer Mailbox: You see, grandma? This is how e-mail works [dvice]

That’s right folks, now there’s a Twilight / vampire themed sex toy. It’s a sparkly dildo and marks the coming of the apocalypse. Updated by popular request… Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience (OR A FIRE!). JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn’t love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That’s what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night. The Vamp is a realistic form based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon’s glow. Since it’s a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus’ own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, t ry taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle. Yes, out in the sunlight. Because a public park is the perfect place to vamp yourself. Also, to rollerblade. Don’t forget your pads and helmet! NSFW Product Site (with video!) Thanks to Shannon, LisaMarie, Joemo, Cloie, Ashley, sham, Evy, rya and anyone else I may have forgotten, for all chipping in and ordering me one. You did order me one, right guys?