If you haven’t already seen it, this is a 20-minute review of Avatar by the same monotonously voiced cat who did the nearly hour-long Phantom Menace review . It’s pretty good. Not as good as you’re looking this morning, but God must have put diamonds in your eyes or some shit because you are lookin’ finer than a steak dinner. Are you getting this, romance writers? I’m thinking about holding a workshop. Hit the jump for part two.

Well folks, on this eve of the new year I’ve had the opportunity to do a lot of thinking . Mostly about how to beat the Snow Temple in Zelda: Spirit Tracks . Pushing blocks around on the ice aside, what do you think — is this new year gonna be a good one? It certainly couldn’t be any worse than this one, am I right? 2006 has suuuuucked! Ha, what do mean it’s 2009? OMG MY TIME MACHINE WORKS! Never a Year Like ‘09 [jibjab] Thanks to Brian, who’s gonna sleep all the way to 2013 to survive the apocalypse. Smart thinking, Rip Van Winkle.

WARING: Slightly NSFW due to crude language and dude’s weird-ass voice. This is a 50-minute comedic review of Star Wars : The Phantom Menace in seven parts. This is the first part, the other six I posted after the jump. It’s undeniably and infinitely more entertaining than the movie and I suggest you watch every bit of it at work. I mean, it’s the week before Christmas , nobody actually does anything. Except me because I have a little something I like to call a serious work ethic shock collar on. *BZZZZZZZZZZ!!* Gotdamnit you that makes me piss myself! Hit it for parts two through seven (at least watch the last 30 seconds of part 6, good stuff).

image courtesy of Summit Entertainment And then some! Last night I caught a screening of New Moon here in Hollywood, and while the film hasn't been getting the best reviews, I loved it and I thought it was everything it…

I drank this stuff , it was good. It’s thick and tastes like Hawaiian Punch concentrate. They recommend you put it in the microwave for 14 seconds to heat it up to body temperate. I did that. That made it warm. It was weird warm. Like licking a fresh wound , but sweeter. I think it gave me superhuman strength and speed but I won’t know for sure till after I whip this nancy Edward Cunnilingus’ pale ass. Synthetic blood substitute. The fruit punch flavor packs 4 hours of energy along with iron, protein, and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional makeup to real blood, but it has the same color, look, and consistency. Get real blood nutrients without that real blood taste! Re-sealable transfusion bag style pouch. Contains no real blood, just synthetic! A 4-pack will set you back $16 but they get cheaper the more you buy. It’s definitely a cool product for Halloween and certainly an attention getter. Not as attention getting as actually biting a stranger, but why risk the disease? Because you’re crazy, that’s why. I say do it. Bite that old lady. BITE HER NOW! Product Site (order before 3PM tomorrow, October 23rd for Halloween delivery)

Want to make LEGO shaped cookies ? Well you’re in luck thanks to this $10 rolling cookie cutter directly from LEGO ! Oh, hold the phone — I just read a review. I am a very capable and experienced sugar cookie designer. If the dough is not the perfect thickness–not too thick, not too thin, it will stick on the wheel. I very carefully and tediously cut out about 50 of this itty, bitty (1″ x 1″) bricks on my cookie sheet. I chilled the dough for 1/2 an hour in the refrigerator to help keep the shape during baking. However, they didn’t hold their shape during baking because they are so small. They came out of the oven in an unrecognizable shape. Well, I guess that’s out. That’s okay though because I bet it still works for Play-Doh. And Play-Doh, as we all know, is delicious. It tastes like gummy-salt! Uh-oh — another review! I am so disappointed. We bought the cookie cutter for school bday party and the cake mold for family party. The cookie cutter is cracked on one brick. Used it anyway. The dough sticks to the cutter and is nearly impossible to get it off without ruining the shape. Tried freezing the dough to make it harder. Cuts better but… My son cried after they baked . They look like plain old cookies. The lego shape completely disappears. BWAHAHAHAHA — your son cried after they baked! Did you check to make sure his training bra wasn’t on too tight? Because that shit can cause serious discomfort. I mean, I’VE HEARD (I wear my roommates bra while she’s at work). Product Site Thanks to rox, who once won a bake off and bake on IN THE SAME DAY.

uniqueapps.com Here’s an app review of the People.com iPhone app. We’ve also got another winner for the TweetGlobe giveaway twitter.com Have a great day, Ryan

If Hunter S. Thompson were to write a story about his trip to a parallel, prehistoric dimension, then Land of the Lost might be the most accurate representation possible of its subsequent film adaptation. Directed by Brad Silberling and starring Will Ferrell, this update on the Sid and Marty Krofft television series from the 1970s is the strangest, filthiest summer movie I think I’ve ever seen - and it opens against one that features Mike Tyson, a tiger and Zach Galifianakis. But just as strangely, it’s also damn entertaining, although it’s hard to know whether you should or definitely shouldn’t be indoctrinated beforehand to its weirdness. Regardless, Land of the Lost offers a sobering alternative to the pre-packaged and otherwise conventional blockbuster fare offered by studios this summer, even if its charms would ultimately benefit from (if not require) chemical enhancement of some kind to be properly enjoyed. Filed under: Action , Comedy , Sci-Fi & Fantasy , Universal , Theatrical Reviews Continue reading Review: Land of the Lost Permalink | Email this | Comments

If Hunter S. Thompson were to write a story about his trip to a parallel, prehistoric dimension, then Land of the Lost might be the most accurate representation possible of its subsequent film adaptation. Directed by Brad Silberling and starring Will Ferrell, this update on the Sid and Marty Krofft television series from the 1970s is the strangest, filthiest summer movie I think I’ve ever seen - and it opens against one that features Mike Tyson, a tiger and Zach Galifianakis. But just as strangely, it’s also damn entertaining, although it’s hard to know whether you should or definitely shouldn’t be indoctrinated beforehand to its weirdness. Regardless, Land of the Lost offers a sobering alternative to the pre-packaged and otherwise conventional blockbuster fare offered by studios this summer, even if its charms would ultimately benefit from (if not require) chemical enhancement of some kind to be properly enjoyed. Filed under: Action , Comedy , Sci-Fi & Fantasy , Universal , Theatrical Reviews Continue reading Review: Land of the Lost Permalink | Email this | Comments

By Peter Martin (original publication date: 3/16/09 — SXSW Film Festival) Don’t f*** with old ladies, especially if they have bad teeth and an evil curse up their sleeve. If there’s anything new to be learned from Drag Me to Hell , director Sam Raimi’s return to horror, it’s that loan officers will have hell to pay if they dare to foreclose on your mortgage. It’s a lesson that should make everyone stand up and cheer. The film screened as a “work in progress” late last night at the completely packed Paramount Theater in Austin to a loud, raucous reaction. Some of the finer technical points clearly remain to be tweaked (sound, visual effects, maybe a little editing here and there) and end credits need to be added before its wide theatrical release on May 29. And in its present version, the ratings issue is still cloudy — PG-13 or R? But this much is clear: Raimi has made a joyful romp through his personal horror playground and come up with a very entertaining horror-comedy that gets back to the basics. By that I mean creepy shadows on the wall and things that go bump in the night: all the odd, unexplained sights and sounds that keep anxious children awake at night, hiding under the covers. Any inkling that Raimi’s soul might have been irretrievably chewed up by the Hollywood studio machinery — a well-founded concern after the disappointing Spider-Man 3 — quickly evaporates once the story gets underway. Filed under: Horror , Theatrical Reviews Continue reading Review: Drag Me to Hell Permalink | Email this | Comments