I can’t even imagine weaving bacon so tight as to not let liquid (well, molten cheese ) through, but apparently somebody did. My hat oven mitts are off to you, bacon mug maker. Cause one time I tried weaving bacon and it didn’t even make a solid placemat. It did, however, make a solid after-school snack. Kidding, I’m vegetarian. Did you feel that? That was your head imploding. Bacon Beer Mug [thisisfreakingridiculous] Thanks to Profound, mike469x, Dominican Joe and KilgoreTrout XL, one of which is Kurt Vonnegut’s plus-size alter-ego, the other three of which are fighting over who gets to eat the cup.

I think we all knew this day would come: Envelopes with bacon -flavored adhesive. Geez, these are almost as clever as my invention: nipple flavored envelopes. Which, I think you and I both know is the closest your tongue will ever come. J&D’s, the makers of Bacon Salt and Baconnaise, isn’t kidding when they say everything should taste like bacon: They just announced Mmmvelopes, bacon-flavored envelopes. $6.99 for 25 bacon-flavored #10 envelopes, $14.99 for 3 packs of 25….”No longer will envelopes taste like the underside of your car. You can enjoy the taste of delicious bacon instead.” Now I know what you’re thinking, “but how do I keep myself from eating them?” THEY’RE PAPER YOU IDIOTS. Yeah I have no idea. Mmmvelopes: Bacon-Flavored Envelopes from the Makers of Bacon Salt and Baconnaise [eatmedaily] Thanks to Mih0, who invented chocolate-flavored envelopes a long time ago but that ruthless cocoa mogul Wonka stole his idea.

Awww! Paris Hilton ordered a miniature pig from a breeder in Oregon, and the heiress has already tweeted a picture of her newest pet, named Miss Piglette! Paris also wrote: So excited for my new piglette to come home…

Let’s face it, we’re all gonna get the swine flu and die. But we can at least stave off infection for as long as possible and look stylish at the same time. Enter Yoriko Yoshida’s (links to artists portfolio with tons and tons more) stylin’ and profilin’ surgical masks , each printed with a unique design. I call this one ‘Octostache’. Hit the jump for a bunch more, but be sure to check out Yoriko’s page to see them all. Then, get to designing your own. Or, alternatively, meet me in my underground bunker. I ain’t going out because some jerk couldn’t keep his penis in his pants at the petting zoo! Yoriko Yoshida’s Portfolio via Stylish surgical masks by Yoriko Yoshida [pinktentacle] Thanks to Margo the Jeweler, who made one with gold and diamonds. It’s so sparkly!

Somehow, we don't think they're the only ones! After hearing the news that Octomom was looking to add another member to her family (in the form of a pet, not a baby), PETA's Michelle Cho sent a little note…

You can now track the swine flu with Google Maps by going HERE . If a marker appears in your town, and you’re a chick, take naked pictures of yourself and email them to me for verification I don’t care what you do if you’re a dude, but no naked pictures, please. Also, I’m a little pissed at whoever started this damn flu pandemic in the first place. I’m looking at you, bacon hater. THE PORK GOD DEMANDS APPEASEMENT! Google Maps Thanks to Romeo and Frank B., who would much prefer the chicken pox.

Canned bacon. Undoubtedly the best course of The Last Supper, Yoder brand canned bacon can now be yours. Plus, it comes in sweet-ass camo cans. Hey, where’d my bacon go?!? For the first time in almost 20 years, canned bacon is back in this Country. Not available in any store! More than 2 years went into the development of this bacon, and we’re proud to be able to bring this back to you after improving on a what was a very successful brand of canned bacon made years ago by Celebrity Foods (registered Trademark, all rights reserved). Each can is 9 ounces of fully cooked and drained bacon. Between 2-3/4 and 3-1/4 pounds of raw bacon go into each can. Each can is the highest quality fresh #1 bacon slices. Cured to our specifications, cooked and then hand wrapped, rolled and packed in the U.S. My God that sounds delicious. A single can will set you back $12, but that’s not really bad considering it’s 3 pounds of cooked bacon and will stay fresh for over 10 years . You know — this might very well be the most delicious thing to ever come in a can. Well, besides this. Here, open it. *POW POW!* Haha, that was Geekologie brand Whoop Ass, bitch! Hit the jump for a photo-uncanning.

Porkgasm: a pig roast made entirely out of meat — just like the real thing ! And *sniff* probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever wanted to put in my mouth. Ha, except for that Fabergé egg. Delicious and nutritious gold. Hit the jump for a pictorial of how to make a Porkgasm.

HIT THE JUMP TO SEE THE DELICIOUS BACON-EXPLOSION MAKING PROCESS! If you thought the bacon-cheese roll was bad, you need to check out the Bacon Explosion. This bacon-y treat is so dangerously delicious it’ll make your fucking heart explode and still have your corpse begging for a second helping. It’s basically a bacon weave made out of a pound of bacon, filled with 2 pounds of Italian sausage and another pound of bacon. And, if you can’t tell by the way I’m ogling my monitor, it’s making me amorous. I think it’s time for another haiku. Bacon Explosion I want you in me badly Call an ambulance And that, my friends, is how you woo your dinner. To the bedroom my bacon-y goddess — it’s time to pork! Hit the jump for a bunch of pictures of the process and a link to the in-depth recipe.