image courtesy of ABC After getting a second nose and boob job, not to mention a butt augmentation, lipo all over her body, botox, a chin reduction, a brow lift, fat injections and plastic surgery on her ears, Hills star…

This USB keyboard from Smartfish isn’t your grandmother’s keyboard . No, your grandmother’s keyboard is a typewriter. Smartfish’s keyboard is motorized and moves every once in awhile to relieve the repetitive stress of spamming on Geekologie. The two halves move apart and together and the base sort of vibrates subtly around once or twice an hour to massage your wrist muscles; the frequency depends on hard you pound the keyboard. They keyboard will be available early this year for $150 and is on my pass list, right beneath “the dutchie”. Seriously, stop bogarting that shit. Motorized keyboard moves to relieve repetitive stress [dvice]

Because there’s nothing more enjoyable than watching jackasses hurt themselves attempting feats of stupid , this is a compilation of the best (and most painful) fails of 2009. It’s chock full of future Darwin Award recipients, and I wouldn’t be surprised if half these jokers don’t make it to 2011 (please exit the gene pool ladder left). Although, as a guy who’s shattered his arm twice and now has a Luke Skywalker arm, I want to cut it off and be human again. Best Fails of 2009 [collegehumor] Thanks to Fran, who has never broken a bone, but has cracked a few skulls.

Because there’s nothing more enjoyable than watching jackasses hurt themselves attempting feats of stupid , this is a compilation of the best (and most painful) fails of 2009. It’s chock full of future Darwin Award recipients, and I wouldn’t be surprised if half these jokers don’t make it to 2011 (please exit the gene pool ladder left). Although, as a guy who’s shattered his arm twice and now has a Luke Skywalker arm, I want to cut it off and be human again. Best Fails of 2009 [collegehumor] Thanks to Fran, who has never broken a bone, but has cracked a few skulls.

A drunk and overzealous ninja, who may be the guy in this picture but was probably the kid in this video , attempted jumping over a fence in Seattle, Washington, only to impale himself on a pole. I knew about buttpirates, but who knew there were buttninjas too?! You’re no drunken master! Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it. An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived and took him to a hospital, where he was in serious condition in intensive care on Tuesday. Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in the reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence. Witt says the man was “overconfident in his abilities,” and that alcohol likely played a role. Listen, as a public service to you Geekologie Readers that think you might be ninjas, I’ve got news for you: you’re not. You don’t wear Velcro shoes so you can be ready to strike at a moment’s notice, you wear Velcro shoes because you never learned to tie regular ones. And the katana set you bought at the kiosk at the mall? You’ve cut yourself playing Ninja Turtles , haven’t you? The prosecution rests. Police: Would-be Seattle ninja impaled on fence [googlenews] Thanks to Michelle loves ninjas drunk or otherwise, Rachel, Justin, Fluffy Frontstein, wes, Sally and Lizze, who actually are trained killers and could have easily cleared that fence.

This is a series of slings that lets the rest of the world know how you went and broke your arm . And as a guy who’s broken his thumb once and arm twice, I’ve got to admit: it’s never stopped me from still doing dumb shit all the time . High-five for never learning lessons! But seriously, now I’ve got a wonk-arm now with a giant metal plate and screws in it that sends shockwaves up my arm whenever I try to do push-ups. Which is EXACTLY why I don’t work out. AND HELL YES I SET OFF AIRPORT METAL DETECTORS! Just like Luke Skywalker — except I’VE never tried slipping my sister the tongue. Step-sisters don’t count! Illustrative Slings Show How That Arm Got Boned [gizmodo] Thanks to Romeo, whose magnetic personality alone is enough to set off an airport metal detector.

You know how all those high-voltage capacitors have warning signs that tell you not to sit on them or play around them but you do anyways because you’re an ultra-L337 badass from the planet Choke-slam? Well this is a video demonstration of what can happen if a drunk electrical worker accidentally left some of the wires exposed and you sat on them. Except, in this demo they use a watermelon instead of your buttocks. The same thing would happen to your ass though, trust me. You see these? *knock knock knock* Wooden cheeks. I’m just like George Washington! Except way handsomer and a better leader. So, This Is What Those High Voltage Danger Signs Mean [gizmodo] Thanks to Harrison, who actually taught ‘ol George how to make love like an eagle falling out of the sky .

This is a commercial for the Helping Hands condom applicator. And, after seeing it, I’d trust a fire-breathing dragon with a toothache to be gentler. And I’m not just saying that because I’m trying to get some, but, well, dragons and dinosaurs ARE related. Helping Hands Condom Applicator Makes Me Shrivel Up in Fear [gizmodo]

This is a video of a guy performing a very special trick with his dog and a laser pointer . Now I don’t want to ruin it for you, so I’ll just say this: at least he didn’t draw on the dude’s face, because that would have been wrong (his shoes are, in fact, off). Also, not to start a heated debate in the comments about cropping a dog’s ears, but I just did. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! How Not to Play With a Laser Pointer [gizmodo] Thanks to Ryan, who once meant to bring a laser pointer to a presentation but accidentally grabbed his girlfriend’s dildo instead. He pointed with it anyways.

Let’s face it, you’re a badass . And a badass needs something equally bangarang to cover his booboos when he falls and skins his leg or cuts himself with a laserbeam. Enter leather band-aids. A pack of 3 will set you back $18, which is a little steep considering they don’t come with matching chaps. Also available: genuine Louis Vuitton leather band-aids (SADLY NOT JOKING). Personally, I like to dress my wounds oldschool: in tuxedos . Hit the jump for one more shot.