What in the hell is that? I mean, besides the most dangerous looking shark-inspired edged weapon I’ve ever seen ? Good God. I’d hate to trip and fall on that. Or you. Cause then it’d probably look like we were doing it. Awkward. Hey — I felt that! You thrusted. Shark Knife [sadanduseless] Thanks to Dena, who has a crocodile inspired knife but only uses it to open packages.

Because there’s nothing more enjoyable than watching jackasses hurt themselves attempting feats of stupid , this is a compilation of the best (and most painful) fails of 2009. It’s chock full of future Darwin Award recipients, and I wouldn’t be surprised if half these jokers don’t make it to 2011 (please exit the gene pool ladder left). Although, as a guy who’s shattered his arm twice and now has a Luke Skywalker arm, I want to cut it off and be human again. Best Fails of 2009 [collegehumor] Thanks to Fran, who has never broken a bone, but has cracked a few skulls.

Because there’s nothing more enjoyable than watching jackasses hurt themselves attempting feats of stupid , this is a compilation of the best (and most painful) fails of 2009. It’s chock full of future Darwin Award recipients, and I wouldn’t be surprised if half these jokers don’t make it to 2011 (please exit the gene pool ladder left). Although, as a guy who’s shattered his arm twice and now has a Luke Skywalker arm, I want to cut it off and be human again. Best Fails of 2009 [collegehumor] Thanks to Fran, who has never broken a bone, but has cracked a few skulls.

A drunk and overzealous ninja, who may be the guy in this picture but was probably the kid in this video , attempted jumping over a fence in Seattle, Washington, only to impale himself on a pole. I knew about buttpirates, but who knew there were buttninjas too?! You’re no drunken master! Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it. An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived and took him to a hospital, where he was in serious condition in intensive care on Tuesday. Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in the reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence. Witt says the man was “overconfident in his abilities,” and that alcohol likely played a role. Listen, as a public service to you Geekologie Readers that think you might be ninjas, I’ve got news for you: you’re not. You don’t wear Velcro shoes so you can be ready to strike at a moment’s notice, you wear Velcro shoes because you never learned to tie regular ones. And the katana set you bought at the kiosk at the mall? You’ve cut yourself playing Ninja Turtles , haven’t you? The prosecution rests. Police: Would-be Seattle ninja impaled on fence [googlenews] Thanks to Michelle loves ninjas drunk or otherwise, Rachel, Justin, Fluffy Frontstein, wes, Sally and Lizze, who actually are trained killers and could have easily cleared that fence.

This is a piano , which, through the use of the black magic and robotics , is able to speak in one of the scariest voices I’ve ever heard. Well, besides the one that comes attached to the figure that sneaks into my room at night and tells me to write dirty things on the internet. I think it’s my uncle! Youtube Thanks to J.D., Rodger and Alexandra, who are already planning to push this thing out a window.

You know how all those high-voltage capacitors have warning signs that tell you not to sit on them or play around them but you do anyways because you’re an ultra-L337 badass from the planet Choke-slam? Well this is a video demonstration of what can happen if a drunk electrical worker accidentally left some of the wires exposed and you sat on them. Except, in this demo they use a watermelon instead of your buttocks. The same thing would happen to your ass though, trust me. You see these? *knock knock knock* Wooden cheeks. I’m just like George Washington! Except way handsomer and a better leader. So, This Is What Those High Voltage Danger Signs Mean [gizmodo] Thanks to Harrison, who actually taught ‘ol George how to make love like an eagle falling out of the sky .

This is a commercial for the Helping Hands condom applicator. And, after seeing it, I’d trust a fire-breathing dragon with a toothache to be gentler. And I’m not just saying that because I’m trying to get some, but, well, dragons and dinosaurs ARE related. Helping Hands Condom Applicator Makes Me Shrivel Up in Fear [gizmodo]

This is a video of a guy performing a very special trick with his dog and a laser pointer . Now I don’t want to ruin it for you, so I’ll just say this: at least he didn’t draw on the dude’s face, because that would have been wrong (his shoes are, in fact, off). Also, not to start a heated debate in the comments about cropping a dog’s ears, but I just did. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! How Not to Play With a Laser Pointer [gizmodo] Thanks to Ryan, who once meant to bring a laser pointer to a presentation but accidentally grabbed his girlfriend’s dildo instead. He pointed with it anyways.

Seen here is Dr. Manhattan’s conception a nano- diamond attracting insulin to help a wound heal quicker. Neat, but I’d still douse it with Blue # 1 just to be on the safe side. Northwestern University scientist Dean Ho and his team discovered that nanodiamonds are very attractive to insulin, best know for helping regulate blood sugar. Insulin, however, can also accelerate healing processes and stave off infection in wound sites, according to Ho: Insulin accelerates wound healing by acting as a growth hormone. It encourages skin cells to proliferate and divide, restores blood flow to the wound, suppresses inflammation and fights infection. Nice, but I can’t even get my insurance to cover regular bandages at the doctor, so I can pretty much forget about DIABANDAGES©. Haha — pay me, suckers! Diamonds Are A Wound’s Best Friend [io9] Thanks to Tank and Totex, who once shot up emeralds and died. Don’t do precious stones, kids.

The TASER X3 is just that, a taser that shoots three separate probes for shocking several victims at once. Or, fire them all into one perp and watch that sucker light up like a Christmas tree! The new weapon will be officially unveiled on July 27th, but in anticipation of that glorious day, TASER has kindly posted an employee demonstration video of shooting three entirely underpaid women in the back, to the applause of onlookers. Yes, women. And yes, the guy yells TASER TASER TASER before blasting them all. Which, apparently, is the cool thing to do . Now I’m not saying I could have taken all three shots and still been standing, but I totally could have. Hell, I could have probably taken five. No, ten. Twenty! GIMME THE CHAIR! Triple-shot TASER X3 imminent, deranged employees celebrate with mock executions [engadget] Thanks to Julian and michelle, who could take like fifteen shots and still punch you in the face.