Consollection is a website that features every video game console every produced along with a bio of each. It’s a great reference in case you get in a drunken argument with a friend over what year the Atari Jaguar was released. And you know what else makes a great reference during a drunken argument? A beer bottle to the face . Suck it Wikipedia, you’ll never have shit on this Bud Lightsaber! Consollection Thanks to Bum_Eyes, who, for two tips in one day, is officially upgraded to Panhandler_Eyes.

I’ve never cooked anything in my life except crystal meth and I ended up blowing up the trailer , but I have eaten things before. Including, and virtually limited to: cereal and pudding. What can I say, I’m a health nut. Anyway, the Useful Towel is a $22 piece of fabric with conversions and stuff on it. I think. I actually don’t know what they are, it all looks like jibber-jabber to me. But I’d still tie it around my waist and prance around the kitchen bare-assed. Suck it, Jamie Oliver! Useful Towel Has a Couple of Uses [uberreview]

If there’s one thing old people love it’s soft food. If there’s another it’s stuff with giant-ass buttons so they can push the right one with their shaky, arthritic fingers . Aaaaaand I’ve officially depressed myself. Good times. Anyway, this is a cell phone for old people and people with fat fingers. Or, as we like to call them in the hand modeling biz , Vienna digits. The 6380 Senior Mobile Phone ($75 USD) does actually have a few handy features, including a built in flashlight, and a giant “SOS” button on the back that can automatically dial a pre-set emergency number, and emit a loud warning alarm. It’s also got a minimal display with large on-screen fonts, and a whopping 128×60 screen resolution. I kind of want one. Not that I have fat fingers, because I don’t. I’m just clumsy. One time I tried to order a pizza and ended up spending an hour on a phone sex line. YES I WANT PEPPERONI ON THAT! Hit the jump for two more shots of the latest in geriatric communication technology.

If there’s one thing old people love it’s soft food. If there’s another it’s stuff with giant-ass buttons so they can push the right one with their shaky, arthritic fingers . Aaaaaand I’ve officially depressed myself. Good times. Anyway, this is a cell phone for old people and people with fat fingers. Or, as we like to call them in the hand modeling biz , Vienna digits. The 6380 Senior Mobile Phone ($75 USD) does actually have a few handy features, including a built in flashlight, and a giant “SOS” button on the back that can automatically dial a pre-set emergency number, and emit a loud warning alarm. It’s also got a minimal display with large on-screen fonts, and a whopping 128×60 screen resolution. I kind of want one. Not that I have fat fingers, because I don’t. I’m just clumsy. One time I tried to order a pizza and ended up spending an hour on a phone sex line. YES I WANT PEPPERONI ON THAT! Hit the jump for two more shots of the latest in geriatric communication technology.

The After Office Tie, by Argentinian design firm Sinapsis, appears to be an ordinary neck tie when worn under a suit. But little will your boss know that there’s actually a bottle opener at the bottom perfect for opening happiness (read: booze) while on the clock! You know, this reminds me: one day I almost finished a whole case of beer at work. *glug glug glug* Aaaaaaaand I did it! Now, who’s down for happy hour? I will drink your ass under the table! Oooh, and while you’re down there — you spy any loose Chex mix? I like the cereal bits. Concept: Tie with built-in bottle opener [crunchgear] Thanks to Jason, who opens beer bottles with his eye socket like a normal pirate.

Seen here with optional belly dancing belt, the Hand Leash from Alice Wang is just that: a leash with a mannequin hand that you hold. Also works great for cats (I’m looking at you, crazy cat lady). Now why nobody thought of this sooner is beyond me. I mean it just makes sense. That said, I’m still holding out for the foot model. DON’T JUDGE ME. Hit the jump for a couple more shots.

The SB6309 Lighter Phone isn’t just the best named cellphone ever, it’s also the first with a functional cigarette lighter. Brain AND lung cancers in one fell swoop! But seriously, mind if I do a J? instruction SB6309 The world’s first mobile phone with lighter! Patent product Gold cigarette lighter Defend wind, No gas, Never blew out Suit for high altitude areas Well technically, those weren’t instructions. They were, however, convincing. That’s right — you’re looking at the first U.S. authorized dealer! Haha, now my garage is on fire. Lighter phone may be the most dangerous cellphone ever [dvice] Thanks to FDSY, who once went to a strip club where the strippers dipped their nipples in wax and you were allowed to light your cigarettes off them.