Any minute now I expect the Four Unicornmen of the Apocalypse to come riding out of that hole on a rainbow and start royally f***ing this world up. Just sayin’, an apocalyptic portal just opened in in Porto, Portugal — grammatical coincidence OR SURE SIGN OF IMPENDING DOOM?! Granted you could argue it’s a raindrop or something ridiculous like that but that would make you a conspirator and, quite possibly, a member of the Illuminati. HA, LIKE THEY’D ACCEPT YOU, you’re a grocery bagger! Whoa there champ — eggs in their own bag, please. Google Maps Thanks to Thin_icE, who’s treading on it if this post isn’t well received.

Okay so maybe the asteroid isn’t actually earth bound, but it could be. You see, nobody can agree on how serious a threat the rock poses. I say laser the shit out of it. Then laser all the little pieces. Then blast me in the eyes. If I can’t see the end of the world I don’t wanna see anything! Russia’s space agency chief said Wednesday a spacecraft may be dispatched to knock a large asteroid off course and reduce the chances of earth impact, even though U.S. scientists say such a scenario is unlikely. When the 270-meter (885-foot) asteroid was first discovered in 2004, astronomers estimated its chances of smashing into Earth in its first flyby, in 2029, at 1-in-37. Further studies have ruled out the possibility of an impact in 2029, when the asteroid is expected to come no closer than 18,300 miles (29,450 kilometers) from Earth’s surface, but they indicated a small possibility of a hit on subsequent encounters. NASA had put the chances that Apophis could hit Earth in 2036 as 1-in-45,000. In October, after researchers recalculated the asteroid’s path, the agency changed its estimate to 1-in-250,000. What is this, football? Why do the odds keep changing? Because this shit’s all fun and games until the day the asteroid’s supposed to hit and the odds drop to 1-in-0.5. Then what? We all bone till we burn up, that’s what. *high-five* Going out like the dinosaurs! Russia may send spacecraft to knock away asteroid [yahoonews]

This is a video of a dancing robot girl that was shot (the footage, not the robot — unfortunately) during the very disturbing (and fundamentally wrong) ROBO-ONE GATE Dance Competition. A dancing robot competition? Really? That’s it, I’m heading to the moon . The 6th ROBO-ONE GATE IN INTERNATIONAL ROBOT EXHIBITION 2009 Dance Competiton spons took place in Tokyo Big Sight, during INTERNATIONAL ROBOT EXHIBITION 2009 , on Nov. 28th, 2009. `LOVE & JOY, Yuhi Kimura` by Doka Harumi (Doka Project). No one survived the performance. Jesus, this is the shit nightmares are made of. You know, the kind you wake up from with a full load. And don’t even act like it’s never happened, it’s happened . I ran into your mom at the grocery store! Doka Harumi’s robot dance routine fills us with shame for humanity, but mostly Japan [engadget] Thanks to Mycropht, who once danced with a robot BUT ONLY TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO PLANT THE C4. Good lookin’, Micropht.

That’s right folks, even bread and trying to destroy itself from the future can’t keep the Large Hadron Collider from colliding. The beast recently made it’s first low-power collision and, amazingly, you’re still here to read this. And me to write it. So I guess we should both be thankful for that. Thanksgiving joke, HIYO! From CERN: Next on the schedule is an intense commissioning phase aimed at increasing the beam intensity and accelerating the beams. All being well, by Christmas, the LHC should reach 1.2 TeV per beam, and have provided good quantities of collision data for the experiments’ calibrations. CERN Director General Rolf Heuer remarked that it was “a great achievement to have come this far in so short a time.” Granted, it may not seem all that short to those of us that have been following its progress, but a year of delays for a multi-billion dollar project and the largest science experiment ever endeavored by mankind doesn’t seem so bad. Well the world’s gotta end sometime, amirite? I’d just assume it be now because, God, FOOD COMA. Did I say coma? I meant I’m going to projectile vomit. Large Hadron Collider finally collides for the first time [dvice] Thanks outlawkitsune, Duck N’ Cover, jaja, MoD, Mih0, Dan the Hammer, MrMaclean, Ben, Jon and everyone else whose emails I couldn’t find because I’ve already started drinking. HAPPY THANIKSGF S!IG!

That’s right folks, even bread and trying to destroy itself from the future can’t keep the Large Hadron Collider from colliding. The beast recently made it’s first low-power collision and, amazingly, you’re still here to read this. And me to write it. So I guess we should both be thankful for that. Thanksgiving joke, HIYO! From CERN: Next on the schedule is an intense commissioning phase aimed at increasing the beam intensity and accelerating the beams. All being well, by Christmas, the LHC should reach 1.2 TeV per beam, and have provided good quantities of collision data for the experiments’ calibrations. CERN Director General Rolf Heuer remarked that it was “a great achievement to have come this far in so short a time.” Granted, it may not seem all that short to those of us that have been following its progress, but a year of delays for a multi-billion dollar project and the largest science experiment ever endeavored by mankind doesn’t seem so bad. Well the world’s gotta end sometime, amirite? I’d just assume it be now because, God, FOOD COMA. Did I say coma? I meant I’m going to projectile vomit. Large Hadron Collider finally collides for the first time [dvice] Thanks outlawkitsune, Duck N’ Cover, jaja, MoD, Mih0, Dan the Hammer, MrMaclean, Ben, Jon and everyone else whose emails I couldn’t find because I’ve already started drinking. HAPPY THANIKSGF S!IG!

An autonomous killer Reaper jet recently went rogue in Northern Afghanistan and had to be shot down before it got the chance to go berserk and blast the shit out of the blue team. Eff that! The aircraft was flying a combat mission when positive control of the MQ-9 was lost. When the aircraft remained on a course that would depart Afghanistan’s airspace, a US Air Force manned aircraft took proactive measures to down the Reaper in a remote area of northern Afghanistan. It wasn’t clear from the US military announcement whether the erratic death-bot had turned on its masters and was planning an attack on critical US logistics bases located north of the Afghan border, or whether it had sickened of reaping hapless fleshies like corn and was hoping merely to escape. Alternatively the machine assassin may merely have succumbed to boredom or - just possibly - a mundane, non-anthropomorphic technical fault of some kind. Okay, I don’t know exactly how this fits into my government/robot conspiracy, but I assure you it does. Importantly. Like the last piece in a very critical puzzle. Provided my dog didn’t eat any pieces. Because then I’ll have to cut a similar shape out of construction paper and color it with markers. AND IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. My parents will tell me you can barely tell the difference BUT YOU CAN TELL. You can tell. Robot Fighter Jet Killed Before It Could Go AWOL [io9] Thanks to AdmiralN00b, Shawn, Beanbones, Paul, Timothy, Anonymous, Sambob, That Guy and Jason, who are all welcome to stay in my anti-robot shelter, provided they shower. And spoon.

An unmanned computerized train car in Miami allegedly ran over an employee while he was inspecting the tracks of the Metromover rail system. Uh-oh. The accident happened Saturday. The computerized vehicle, which is not driven by a conductor, was stopped, but moved forward for an unknown reason. Unknown reason, huh? How about THAT ROBOT TRAIN IS A BLOODTHIRSTY KILLER?! *ringing bell* The apocalypse, it’s here! Quick — to the bunker! Bring snakes! SNACKS, I MEANT SNACKS GO GO GO GO Florida Man Killed By Computerized Vehicle While Inspecting Tracks [foxnews] Thanks to Matt, holliebean, D.M., Jeff, Nathaniel and Joel, who I WASN’T KIDDING RUN RUN RUN!

In case Geekologie is the only site on the interweb you visit (good for you), David Carradine, best known for his role as Shaolin priest Kwai Chang Caine in Kung Fu and Bill in the Kill Bill series, was found dead by alleged hanging in his hotel room in Bangkok. He was 72. Carradine was in Bangkok to shoot a movie and had been staying at the hotel since Tuesday. In all, he appeared in more than 100 feature films with such directors as Martin Scorsese, Ingmar Bergman and Hal Ashby. One of his prominent early film roles was as singer Woody Guthrie in Ashby’s 1976 biopic “Bound for Glory.” Hi-ya, David, hi-ya . R.I.P. Actor David Carradine found dead in Bangkok [yahoonews] Thanks to Gem, Rosswell, Steven, Freddy and Matthew, who have all taken the day off to partake in a Kung Fu marathon.

I wasn’t going to post this because we’ve already seen La Machine’s spider in Liverpool , but I’ve gotten the tip so many times asking why I’m not covering the apocalypse like I should, that I figured I’d go ahead and scare the shit out of you all again. Must be your lucky day. Oh, and now there’s two giant robotic spiders of death. Eek! A pair of giant robotic spiders designed and built by French performance art group La Machine have come to Yokohama to take part in the upcoming Expo Y150, a 5-month festival commemorating the 150th anniversary of the opening of the city’s port. Although the Expo Y150 festivities are not scheduled to officially begin until the end of April, the enormous steampunk spiders could be seen prowling the Yokohama waterfront this weekend. Great, so the spiders went ahead and got a leg up (or eight!) on the festivities. And by festivities I obviously mean killing everyone and burning Japan to the ground. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to postpone my worn panty shopping spree another year. *sigh* Hit the jump for another shot and video.

When I’m right, I’m right. And I was right. This is what death looks like. Sculptor Kenji Yanobe’s Giant Torayan robot, a 7.2-meter (24-ft) tall mechanical baby that sings, dances and spits fire, was sighted in Tokyo’s Roppongi district last night. The fire-breathing robot spent the night on center stage at “Roppongi Art Night,” an all-night event featuring installations and performances by dozens of artists at various venues in the area. Well folks, it’s been fun. *guzzling booze and Amoxicillin* UPDATE : Am I dead? My tummy hurts. Hit the jump for a bunch more of the last thing you’ll ever see.