Any minute now I expect the Four Unicornmen of the Apocalypse to come riding out of that hole on a rainbow and start royally f***ing this world up. Just sayin’, an apocalyptic portal just opened in in Porto, Portugal — grammatical coincidence OR SURE SIGN OF IMPENDING DOOM?! Granted you could argue it’s a raindrop or something ridiculous like that but that would make you a conspirator and, quite possibly, a member of the Illuminati. HA, LIKE THEY’D ACCEPT YOU, you’re a grocery bagger! Whoa there champ — eggs in their own bag, please. Google Maps Thanks to Thin_icE, who’s treading on it if this post isn’t well received.

Just when I thought my dino-ribonucleic acids were safe, I get news that scientists have developed autonomous DNA -bots that can biped their little asses around inside me and royally f*** all my insides up. The walking device consists of a strand of DNA that contains a 5′,5′ linkage in the middle. One leg is called L-E and the other is called L-O. It walks on a track consisting of a series of stem-loops (T1-T4) that are part of a stiff DX motif. It is fueled by a pair of successive stem-loops (F1 and F2) that are in solution. The driving force for its motion is the formation of more base pairs than exist at any given time. Right. DNA-scale robots? That’s freaking tiiiiny . And I can recall a time in the not-so-distant past when I was confident nothing could possibly be smaller better to crush monster trucks with than my penis. Autonomous Bipedal Robot Built Out Of DNA [ohgizmo] Thanks to Dave, who’s working on building an army of nano-ants to combat this evil DNA.

Not to be outclassed by the recent Drybones baby , a family in the U.K. claims to be birthing Michael Jackson’s head. And, based on the ultrasonic evidence, I have to admit: that is indeed Michael Jackson getting poked in the nose with a penis turd. Mum and dad-to-be Dawn Kelley and William Hickman, from Sunderland, couldn’t believe their eyes when looking at this scan of their unborn baby - seeing the face of Jacko staring back at them. But the baby will not be called Michael - the couple know they’re having a girl. Ms Kelley, who is 24 weeks’ pregnant, due in March, said: “I’ve had plenty of scans before and none of the photos have ever looked like this. It’s a bit spooky. “But it is my seventh child, and seven is a mythical number.” Mythical number 7, riiiiiiight. Listen, I’m not so sure you should be breeding so much. Probably should have stuck with good ol’ non-mythical 0. Just sayin’! (Do you know anything about dragons?) ‘Our unborn baby looks like Michael Jackson!’ [shieldsgazette] Thanks to Aslan=Jesus and The Geekologies Writer lover, who, have you been drinking again?

I’m pretty sure half the people that sent this in thought it’s an actual robot , but being the astute robot slaya that I am, it wasn’t hard for me to tell this is just a jackass in a robot costume. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still burn that bitch like a witch (or doobie), he just doesn’t pose the threat an actual robot would. Or DOES he? *pew pew!* He doesn’t. Youtube and Youtube (longer, 9:00 video) Thanks to Rich the destroyer, paul, KennethJ, Ted, Mungo9000, chris, Albert, Tuggis, karrameg, Steven, hatcher, Big Bug, parking block and Wendy, who actually knew it was a person the whole time and just wanted to scare me.

Boston Dynamics , a company best known for heralding the apocalypse with their futuristic death machines , is at it again — this time manufacturing the Precision Urban Hopper. Most of the time, the shoebox-sized robot - which is being developed for the US military - uses its four wheels to get around. But the Precision Urban Hopper can use a piston-actuated “leg” to launch it over obstacles such as walls or fences. The semi-autonomous, GPS-guided gadget could be used for surveillance in urban environments. The robot is allegedly able to clear obstacles up to 25-feet high. Which is exactly why I built a 26-foot fence around my anti-robot compound. And dug a moat. Which, FYI, is filled with deadly water dragons. But not luck dragons — Falcor doesn’t like to get wet! But he does like to get high. You’re so soft, Falcor. Plus you have a puppy face. Military robot ‘hops’ over walls [bbcnews] and Youtube Thanks to TobyRaider, Bobby, JKirchartz, Kelly, Lomig, Kyle, Laux, Jennaiii, shiny bathtub, shawn, Nikki, Fritz, Gonk Assassin, Mark, Spikey DaPikey, prestone, Matty, 2MechanicalArms and Laurent who can’t even jump out of bed in the morning. It’s called depression, folks, and I have it too.

If you thought the 59-foot Gundam statue in Japan was large , boy were you wrong. Because South Korea is erecting a massive 364-foot statue (twice as large as the Statue of Liberty) of Robot Taekwon V (aka Voltar the Invincible). Scared? It gets worse. You see, the statue is being built for a new amusement park called Robot Land . Geez, talk about scarring your children for life. This is worse than coming downstairs on Christmas hoping for a Nintendo, only to find your mom gangbanging the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny underneath the tree. Nobody even ate the cookies! giant robot taekwon v statue will be six times as large as giant gundam statue [technabob]

Apparently some people are worried that the earth might get struck by an asteroid at some point in time and screw up humankind’s plans to eff this world up on our own. Yeah — who invited you, asteroid ?! So what do we do? Build a Gravity Tractor (suck it, John Deere!) to avert certain death. Bitchin’. NASA’s Near Earth Object program currently has 145 potentially hazardous asteroids on its list out of 1,062 objects larger than one kilometer in diameter, and 6,292 total discovered objects. What’s all that mean? Well, that there’s a lot of stuff out there that could potentially impact our planet — some of it pretty big. So instead of sending shuttle crews up at the last minute to blow an approaching asteroid up, British astronomers at the Astrophysics Research Centre are planning to build a 10-ton “gravity tractor” spacecraft that will influence the object’s trajectory. The process would take some time — a craft would have to be launched 15 years in advance to really have an effect — but, once the tractor arrives, it’d hover close by an asteroid and gently guide it along a different path. Listen NASA, I know we’ve had our differences in the past (I never touched that alien!), but I would like to volunteer to drive the Gravity Tractor. I have every reason to believe I’d be the perfect candidate: I have mowed my parents’ yard several times and I only hit the fence twice and ran over a sprinkler. Also, I have a natural passion for heavy machinery, especially after drinking. You think about it. Britain plans ‘gravity tractor’ to protect Earth from asteroids [dvice]

How would you like to wake up to this guy staring at you? You wouldn’t, would you? Okay, how about the guy with the phone? I give him a maybe. Anyway, some scientists (the smart ones) fear that robot intelligence is going too far and we must do something to stop them before they stop (read: kill ) us. Impressed and alarmed by advances in artificial intelligence, a group of computer scientists is debating whether there should be limits on research that might lead to loss of human control over computer-based systems that carry a growing share of society’s workload, from waging war to chatting with customers on the phone. [They] generally discounted the possibility of highly centralized superintelligences and the idea that intelligence might spring spontaneously from the Internet. But they agreed that robots that can kill autonomously are either already here or will be soon . That’s right, AUTONOMOUS KILLER ROBOTS. You remember Twiki from Buck Rogers? He was one. Bidi-bidi-bidi! Thanks to joe, Red, Daniel, Carmen, jabberw0ck, Rogue Cheddar, Retroprofile, Sarah, Princess Padme’s Masturbation Fantasy and Patrick, who all help me fight the good fight. Fight first, pizza party second.

Miss me? I missed you. I hope everyone had a safe yet explosive weekend. Amazingly, I’m still alive and fingerful. Let me tell you: it wasn’t easy. Now, let’s return to our regularly scheduled program, shall we? NASA, who I used to respect , wants to build a bunch of transformers to do their dirty work. *shaking head* And I used to want be an astronaut . NASA wanted a robot that could start as 100 blocky modules dropped from an airplane to a desert, reconfigure into a rover that could drive to a sand dune, and then change again to “grow” legs and climb up it. Once the blocky robot reached the top, it would transform into a greenhouse that could protect a group of seeds for two weeks. Only 20 of the modules were built during an ambitious project more than two years ago. But together, they are known as Superbot. Now repeat after me, “All hail Superbot!” ZOMG — A COUPLE OF YOU ACTUALLY DID IT! You make me sick. Hit the jump to see two of the robot’s other configurations.

In honor of Canada Day yesterday and the 4th on Saturday, this is a video of three Wiffle-ball headed robots trying to sing happy birthday and failing so hard I almost felt bad. Almost . Just watch and listen. Did you hear that? It sounded like the one on the left was singing “die die die”. IT NEARS! Robots Sing Happy Birthday to UK Science Museum [robots.net] (who will be receiving a nasty email) Thanks to Crimsonfox, who used to be Fusciafox until he painted himself to have better luck sneaking into the henhouse.