For over three years the promise of a Smurfs movie has loomed over us, an approaching blue storm cloud that just won’t seem to let lose its deluge of mediocrity. As it’s grown closer, we’ve been able to make out more details–that it will mix live-action and CGI , that there will be more Lady-Smurfs , that Jonathan Winters is both alive and providing the voice of Papa Smurf –but one crucial item remained unknown: who would be the likable actor who would completely though somewhat understandably sell themselves out and allow their face to poke out of this shitpile just for a check? Now we know. According to Deadline Hollywood , Neil Patrick Harris, the man who has somehow managed to fight off the stigma of being only gay and Doogie Howser and become one of the most well-liked comic actors working, will play the Jason Lee character in this blue-tinted Alvin and the Chipmunks . And I just lost all the money I had riding on John Krasinski.

If you’re a fan of both this year’s Oscar favorites and the terrible humans of Jersey Shore , I’ve got just what you want to gape at with a baffled stare: the cast of brain-wrecking MTV show recreating scenes from this year’s Best Picture batch, thanks to Mr. G. Lopez (TBS, very funny). It’s like watching the most acclaimed films of 2009 through orange glasses smeared in hair gel. That is, it’s awful–unless you’re really excited about hearing The Situation get involved in a “who’s on first?” routine.

You know, thinking about it, Hollywood’s big cash-in on ’80s nostalgia has really been unfair. Sure, my pleasant childhood memories of manufactured pop culture are being hauled out, polished, and built into both familiar and entirely unfamiliar feature films, but what about previous generations? For every 30-year-old guy complaining that a movie about robots that can turn into cars didn’t live up to his standards, there’s a guy nearing retirement saying, “What’s a Tranformer?” They can only bitch about how bad that Joey/Party of Five Lost in Space was for so long. Well, here’s something new to complain about, Dad: The seven castaways of “Gilligan’s Island” have found a home at Warner Bros. and Atlas Entertainment. The studio and production company have begun development on a feature film based on the iconic CBS sitcom. Plans are for a contempo take on the well-known premise and characters, with the studio and the Schwartzes’ blessing Copeland’s initial idea for the screenplay. Roven told Daily Variety that he’s hoping to start production as early as next year but won’t move forward on seeking a director or cast until Copeland’s script is completed. “The characters are so good,” Roven added. “We think it’s going to be a great story to transport these cultural icons to the modern day.” A “contempo take.” So, instead of the Professor building a radio out of a coconut, he’ll build the internet. Out of a coconut. And the entire thing, from boarding to shipwreck to rescue, will be done in less time than the initial three-hour tour. I don’t see how this can go wrong.

On Oprah yesterday, Oprah gave an extended shout of Roger Ebert’s name as an introduction (I assume) and the film critic revealed his Academy Award predictions and debuted the new Stephen Hawking voice he discussed in his Esquire interview , a set of vocals constructed from old video clips of his actual voice. You can tell it’s his voice, but if there was Real, Pre-Surgery Ebert and Android Ebert in front of me, each trying to convince me the other was the fake, and the Android Ebert had this voice, I’d definitely know which one to shoot.

A good sign your film has some problems is when you start thinking adding an arbitrary period in the name might be a good idea. Another good sign your film has problems is that your protagonist can’t figure out if she’s dead or not because Liam Neeson keeps telling her, “Nah, you’re dead; I’m just a Ghost Whisperer, like I Know What You Did Last Summer on that show,” and that’s the entire movie.

I’m afraid you’re going to have to amend your I’m with Cancer mural. The film, which began shooting last month in Vancouver, has lost star James McAvoy and replaced him with another actor from the stable of decent young actors who aren’t so manly as to be unrelatable to we timorous weaklings, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (sorry, maybe next time, Elijah). Producer/co-star Seth Rogen released a statement to MTV regarding the actor’s departure from the 20-something-writer-battle-cancer tale: It’s incredibly unfortunate that circumstances outside of everyone’s control have taken James away from the project, but, with James’s blessing, we were able to have Joseph step in to take on the [lead] role of Adam. We all look forward to working with James in the future. Nice try with the “unfortunate that circumstances outside of everyone’s control” thing, Seth, but we know how these things work. It’s never outside of everyone’s control. What’s the real story? Does James McAvoy not believe in cancer?

I’m afraid you’re going to have to amend your I’m with Cancer mural. The film, which began shooting last month in Vancouver, has lost star James McAvoy and replaced him with another actor from the stable of decent young actors who aren’t so manly as to be unrelatable to we timorous weaklings, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (sorry, maybe next time, Elijah). Producer/co-star Seth Rogen released a statement to MTV regarding the actor’s departure from the 20-something-writer-battle-cancer tale: It’s incredibly unfortunate that circumstances outside of everyone’s control have taken James away from the project, but, with James’s blessing, we were able to have Joseph step in to take on the [lead] role of Adam. We all look forward to working with James in the future. Nice try with the “unfortunate that circumstances outside of everyone’s control” thing, Seth, but we know how these things work. It’s never outside of everyone’s control. What’s the real story? Does James McAvoy not believe in cancer?

I’m afraid you’re going to have to amend your I’m with Cancer mural. The film, which began shooting last month in Vancouver, has lost star James McAvoy and replaced him with another actor from the stable of decent young actors who aren’t so manly as to be unrelatable to we timorous weaklings, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (sorry, maybe next time, Elijah). Producer/co-star Seth Rogen released a statement to MTV regarding the actor’s departure from the 20-something-writer-battle-cancer tale: It’s incredibly unfortunate that circumstances outside of everyone’s control have taken James away from the project, but, with James’s blessing, we were able to have Joseph step in to take on the [lead] role of Adam. We all look forward to working with James in the future. Nice try with the “unfortunate that circumstances outside of everyone’s control” thing, Seth, but we know how these things work. It’s never outside of everyone’s control. What’s the real story? Does James McAvoy not believe in cancer?

With her last several films returning less-than-stellar box office (you will never think of The Invasion again after just now), Nicole Kidman has decided to take the grim path of the safe, broad romantic comedy. Vulture has news she’ll be taking the lead in the Wedding Planner -y new film The Wedding Doctor , which will see the pale actress as a pre-marriage relationship analyst who decides SHE’D make a better bride for one particular client, starting a war against his fiancée. Ut-ohhhhhhh! With Kristen Wiig’s Bride Wars -esque project also in development, that’s already TWO wedding feud movies en route in the coming year, ladies! And it’s only March! I know a certain gender that’s going to have SO many movies reminding them of the fragility of their lives–that their career and friendships are balanced ever so precariously, ready to collapse at the first scent of wedding cake frosting. If we continue at this rate, I predict we’ll hear about Jennifer Aniston in I Want a Husband! and Katherine Heigl in Oh Fuck, Someone’s Marryin’! by the end of spring.

Ready to see Jake Gyllenhaal jump around in a wig some more? Well, here’s another Prince of Persia trailer. I suppose it looks alright, but I’m disappointed they don’t give us any hint of Genie or “A Whole New World.”